See With Your Heart
by Niko
Summary: Yaoi. Takeru ad Daisuke are being punished by their school principal, locked in a room together for three hours, just the two of them.
1. Chapters 1-3

With tired aspen eyes the young woman behind the desk littered with books and papers glanced over the twin pink slips with identical descriptions. One Takiashi Takeru and Motomiya Daisuke had been found fighting in the gym locker room, reason; unknown and injuries; minimal. Both boys sat in front of her, chairs spaced far apart at their own digression and bodies spotted with blue-violet markings of bruised flesh.   
  
She sighed and brushed back at her unruly blonde bang that fell over her right eye and frowned at her returning guests, "This is the third time in the past two weeks, gentlemen," she informed them though how they could have forgotten was beyond her reckoning, "You've already been suspended before due to your behavior. Have you learned nothing?"  
  
Takeru opened his mouth to answer but was cut off by the offended huff from the other boy to his left, "I'll tell you what I learned. Takeru is a bully. He'll fight at the drop of a hat!"  
  
"Oh and I suppose you're guiltless!" the blonde shouted in defense.  
  
"At least I don't make a habit of snapping towels at people!"  
  
"You started it!"  
  
"You hit me in the face!"  
  
"It's not my fault it's indistinguishable from your back side!"  
  
"Gentlemen!"  
  
Takeru and Daisuke sat back in their chairs and looked at the angered woman who was now standing and casting them under a dark shadow of disapproval.  
  
"I see this dispute between the two of you reaches far past any reasonable grounds. In fact, I'd go as far as to say it reaches to an almost psychiatric level. Why do you hate each other so much?"  
  
"I don't hate him," Takeru admitted, "It's just that I can't stand to be around him."  
  
Daisuke let out another exasperated sigh, "The feelings mutual, TS."  
  
"And exactly why is that? Hm? What reason has the other given for you to feel so hatefully towards each other?" she tossed the pink slips in the trash and walked around her desk, "Being your third offense, I should have you expelled for the rest of the week but I have something better in mind. Something more constructive." She opened the door to her office and turned to the two boys, "Follow me."  
  
Without a word in response they quickly fell in line behind her, keeping a fair distance between themselves at all times. The woman stopped in front of a black door and took out an assortment of keys. After trying out a few different pairs of the same shape, she finally managed to open the door and flip the lights on. In the room sat two desks, a vending machine for cokes and candy, a door in the far corner and a stack of paper beside it, resting on a black fling cabinet.   
  
She gestured to the two desks, which were screwed into the floor, facing each other. Though fully understanding, the fair and burgundy haired boys were hesitant to move towards them.  
  
"You will sit in these chairs for the next three hours. You will be locked in this room alone with only yourselves as company. I've supplied paper, snacks, and behind the far door is a restroom if needed." She once again gestured to the two desks and watched as they sat in them, looking away from each other instinctively. "If you do not fight in these next three hours I will forget all about expelling you. As an extra criteria though, I want you to list all the words that come into your head when you think of the person in front of you and why. Getting to the bottom of your emotions is the best way to solve this dispute."  
  
"That's stupid!" Daisuke shouted, "I know why I hate him! And it's really none of your business!"  
  
The woman narrowed her aspen gaze on him, her hands planted firmly on her hips, "When it effects students on school grounds, it is very much my business." She walked to the door, making sure her intent to lock it was known, "You've got three hours in here to think. I suggest you do just that."  
  
With that, she closed the door and the clack of the lock sounded in the deathly silence. The clatter of her clicking heals was heard as she retreated down the empty school halls and all that was left were the claret and azure stair that   
glared hatefully across the desks.  
  
***  
  
Why I hate Motomiya Daisuke. That's an easy subject. I can't stand him. He's so mixed up in rivalry, competition and doing what's best for him. He's so selfish! It's always what he wants and not what is best for the team. It's always what he fears and not what he knows has to be done. And that stupid attitude of his! God, the guy is either uncontrollable or just way too susceptible! And this Hikari thing is out of hand. It's not like she doesn't do her own part to make it hell between us. I know she purposely does things to make him jealous. It's rather snobbish of her but Daisuke doesn't have to take it all so seriously! He hardly knows her and he views the relationship I have with her as an interference. Like I said, he has only himself to think about. That's why I hate him. He's just so damn irritable. It's so easy to dislike him. Sure, he tries hard to be nice sometimes and other times I really do think that he's trying to be a team player. He is a soccer player. A pretty good one at that. On the field, he's like a different person. He passes and assists with his only goal to lead the team to victory. Sure he's got his own self-glorification plotted within it but he still acts as one with the others.  
  
It's different as the digidestioned though. Always competition rather than teamwork. Sometimes, I think Taichi's goggles went to his head.. in another sense entirely. But I don't dislike Taichi for the same traits that he and Daisuke share. I like Taichi a lot. He's a great friend. I can overlook a lot of his faults, like leaping before looking and blabbing without much though put behind it. It just bugs the hell out of me when Daisuke does it. Guess I've become rather hypocritical. I remember my feelings towards Onichan when he and Taichi would fight. I hated to watch them fight. And here I go waging the same battle.  
  
Daisuke's not like Taichi in lots of aspects though. For instance, he's got a lot of self-doubt. And odd mix, huh? He's a compulsive acting inadequate worrier. He acts rash when the emotions run high but with a level head, he's always second-guessing himself. I guess that's another thing that really gets me. You never know when or how he's gonna act. Like for instance, he's standing up right now, hands folded behind his head and chest puffed out like some strange bird.  
  
"This is insane. I've got better things to be doing than sitting around thinking about why you and I don't get alone."  
  
And I don't, I feel like asking. It's not that he's being mean or anything. He's not even being derogatory. It's the cocky tone of voice and the way he throws his head back like that. It's more in his performance than the dialogue.  
  
"Would you rather be expelled?"  
  
He looks back at me, his oval eyes of deep burgundy narrowed though his mouth is formed in a bemused expression, "Being expelled is like being sent of vacation. They make you skip school. What's so bad about that?"  
  
I can't believe the thought of expulsion actually sounds good to him. Doesn't he know it goes on your permanent record? I point this out to him and he laughs.  
  
"Like it'll hurt anything. I've got enough on there as it is."  
  
I guess after a while, one learns when its time to just shut up and sit back. So I did. I for one don't wanna get suspended so I'll just pretend he's not some egotistical jerk and mind my own business. That's kinda hard though when he's making so much damn noise.  
  
"Daisuke, it that at all necessary," I asked. He looked up from his position, crouched on the floor at the base of the vending machine with his arm reaching up into it, disappearing at the elbow into the dispensing slot. The guilty look that crossed his face disrupted any thoughts of mine that he was doing it just to annoy me.  
  
"Sorry. Just wanted a snack. You want one?"  
  
At this I almost chocked on my breath. He was offering to steel some food for me? Had he forgotten exactly why we were here in the first place? We're supposed to be mad at each other... aren't we? We fought!... And he's offering me candy?  
  
"I.. yeah sure. We're gonna be here long enough."  
  
He smiles, a look that was made for that face of his even with the back eye. The again, he looks cute no matter what....What!? What am I thinking! He's a boy! Yuck! And I'm suppose to be discussing why I don't like him, not blushing like a grade school girl in pink frills! This is so irritating! What's wrong with me? I can tell this is going to be one hell of a long three hours... What would 'nichan do?  
  
"Pick something you'd like from the bottom two rows. It's as far as I can reach."  
  
He'd probably just set this kind of stuff to a nice dark secluded corner in the back of his mind. Yeah, he's not exactly known for his mental health and this is one subject I'd probably be better off fallowing on my own instincts but I'll save that for after the three hours. So, I forget it and point to the snickers bar on the bottom left of the machine, watching as he goes to work, squeezing his fingers through the security rotational devices. It's silent for a while longer and I guess it's not something he's used to cause he starts talking again. Growing up alone with my mom kinda adapted me to the silence I guess. Daisuke defiantly lacks the skills to cope with it. Wonder if he's ever learned the wonders of inner monologue?   
  
"So anyway, like I was saying, Junio-sensei was flaming mad and the first thing I thought of was that I'd be great to have V-mon show him a thing or two! I mean, can you believe it? He got mad at me cause my goggles cast a glair in his eyes!"  
  
I laughed, or rather, chuckled in a polite response and he turned and smiled at me, handing me the candy bar and taking his seat across from me. Why is it so hard to be made at him now? If I hadn't written down my thoughts I think I would have forgotten completely. The again, his black eye and my aching jaw are pretty good reminders as well.   
  
"I.. uh.. didn't mean to hit you so hard..."  
  
I look up, having found myself staring at the blank sheet of paper in front of him. He hadn't written a single thing about me. Not one. What has he been thinking off all this time?   
  
"It's okay," I assure him, "Just a little sore but it's nothing compared to the shiner you're sporting."  
  
Okay, so maybe I was gloating. I hit him hard too. I may be sorry I hurt him now but at the time.. well... let me put it this way. I can still see the victory dance my mind was doing when the bruise came up all nice and blue-black.  
  
"Yeah. You'd think that lady would have the descents to at least give us some ice bags!"  
  
I nod in agreement and find my fingers outlining his swollen eye. He doesn't move.   
  
"I really am sorry."  
  
"I know... it's alright. It's not my first black eye."  
  
I pull back, feeling fire dancing on my fingertips. What am I doing? Why? Why can't I keep that stupid blushing fool inside me hidden? I'm not supposed to act this way with boys! I'm supposed to feel all flustered and dizzy and stuff around girl! Like Hikari! I like Hikari, NOT Daisuke! I don't like boys like that. I'm not like that! I hate him! I hate him! I....   
  
Why I hate Motomiya Daisuke.   
  
I......   
  
Don't...... And that's more frightening and angering than anything else.  
  
***  
  
  
Damnit it! So close! Takeru was just starting to open up! He even touched me! Okay, so he was poking at my black eye.... But he was still touching me! That means something.. right? If he really did hate me he wouldn't care like that that I was hurt! He has to like me!... he has to... cause I can't stand living this alone.  
  
Why I hate Takiashi Takeru. I don't hate him at all! All I've ever wanted was to be his friend. To be like him and accepted by him! Everyone likes Takeru and Takeru likes everyone! Everyone but me it seems.  
  
All my life it's been the same. I try so hard to be friends with someone. Maybe too hard. I idolize quickly and crush hard and not being partial to either sex kind of makes that scary for a lot of people. I don't tell many people that. The last time someone found out we had to move. Kid's parents were calling in and telling Mom and Dad to keep me away from their children. And I got picked on. I wasn't lying about my eye. It really isn't the first time I've gotten one. Lots of kids on the playground had a blast playing 'snag the fag'.   
  
It all happened 'cause of the stupid school councilor back at Takada. I got called to her office one day cause I kissed Tama-kun on the cheek. I was in third grade. She said kissing other boys wasn't appropriate behavior and of course I've never been one to keep my mouth shut and told her plainly that I thought he was cute. That's when the bitch got the idea to have a sex-education talk with classes to explain 'right' and 'wrong'. She had people act out the different characters. Guess who got casted as the homo. She may as well have made me wear a sign. Everyone in class put two and two together and figured it out and soon everyone in the school knew.   
  
I was never so lonely in my life. My friends deserted me. They were afraid being bi would rub off on them or something. They didn't want to be different. They saw what people did to me. They didn't understand. No one did. After coming home from school everyday for the next three weeks crying, my parents decided to move. So we did, right back to my old home where I met Hikari. I may like boys a lot but that doesn't mean a cute girl doesn't catch my eye every once and a while. And when this cute girl just happens to have a great guy like Takeru as her friend.. well.. I can't help but try to get in on everything.  
  
Takeru could care less though! Just my luck he's probably as strait as my Aunt Kimuai's starched sheets.  
  
I know I come on strong. I can't help it! After Takada, any positive attention was like gold! I couldn't have enough of it! I wanted more! No more crying, no more name-calling, people don't know and they're nice to me! Yeah they tease and I'm the butt of the joke a lot more than I'd like to admit but when they laugh and treat me human... well hell! They have my permission to set my pants on fire if they promise to always accept me like they do now!   
  
"So, is Yamato playing a gig anytime soon? Jun has been threatening me all week to ask you, even if she does see Yamato in the halls. Guess she doesn't wants to seem desperate or something."  
  
He looks back at me, an inquisitive look on his brow. I love that clueless look! Kawaii!  
  
"I think so. He's suppose to be playing for the dance Friday. That's what he said last time we talked anyway."  
  
The dance! Whoa hoo! School dances are the next best things to crowded car pools! I say this only because when carpooling with way too many people, there is always the chance you might be sitting on someone's lap.. or vise versa! I just hope I don't fall victim to the food table. It's the inevitable destination for dateless geeks like I tend to be at these sorta social events. I'm an outgoing guy for the most part but I tend to forget where I am and... I'd rather not repeat Takada. Not after three years of peace! So I can play 'dateless geek' as long as it takes. From experience I know the food table has a lot to offer anyway! Cake, chips and all the punch you can drink! Yes!  
  
"You going to take Hikari to the dance?"  
  
Why I ask such stupid questions I know are going to make me depressed is beyond me. I must be masochistic to some degree.   
  
"I don't know. As friends maybe but I think it would be weird to take her in the sense of a 'date' date."  
  
"I gotcha."  
  
Nope. I lie. Not at all. What do you mean you don't want to take her out like a 'date' date? You like her! She's always hanging on you! I hardly see you two apart! "Well we could go as a group, ya know. I've got no plans."  
  
He bites his bottom lip. Just say it! No, Daisuke, I don't think so. Hikari's mine. Just say it and get it over with!  
  
"I guess there'll be enough room in 'nichan's car. He's taking Taichi there too. He said he'd help chaperone."  
  
"Taichi's gonna be a chaperone? Cool! So I can go with you guys?"  
  
He nodded and I think that's my heart flittering about the room. I can go with Takeru!... and Hikari but that's not so bad either! As long as she doesn't hang all over him and act all squishy towards him. I really hate that! She's predominantly nice but she's always trying to make me jealous. Whoa, big word! Reached my quota of the month!  
  
"Anyone else going to go that I don't know about?"   
  
Takeru shook his head, "No. Taichi's the only one chaperoning and since this is a junior high event, none of the others can come any other way."  
  
I nod and pick at my candy. Wouldn't you know my favorite kind is on the top level in that stupid machine? Still, chocolate covered raisins aren't that bad. The more I eat them though the more I want Takeru's snickers bar..  
  
"So... you got a watch on?"  
  
He holds up two bare wrists and I sigh, "Well there's no clock in here. Guess we'll just have to predict how much longer we've got to be kept up in here."  
  
He's silent still, looking at his desk.   
  
Sometimes I wish I was a girl. I always seem to fall for the strait guys! I mean come on! Locked in a room after school with no one around and no interruptions for the next few hours. What more of a set up does he need!? Yeah I'm just some boy he doesn't really get along with but that's his problem! I've been trying to be nice but he always picks those sensitive subjects or waves how much more experience he has than me in my face! Okay... now I'm starting to get mad at him again. Is this how it all starts? I guess we fight cause of my frustration... but I'm not the only one fighting. Why does he do it? It's all his fault I get so worked up!  
  
Why I hate Takiashi Takeru.   
  
I don't hate him.   
  
I'm afraid of him.   
  
I'm afraid of his rejection...   
  



	2. Chapters 4-5

All this silence is really starting to creep me out. Did I miss the evolution from primate to man behind those red-brown eyes on his fat head? That's a good one. I'll write that one down on my paper. If I keep thinking about what annoys me about him I won't think about everything about him I like. Like that cute thing he does with his hands when he's flustered and the exaggerated smile that would look out of place and fake on anyone else's face. I am completely defeating the purpose now.   
  
"Hey, Daisuke?"   
  
His face brightens up immediately. It's torcher to see that cute face look at me with bright trusting eyes. "What? Need another snack? Cause if you do, its no problem! I don't mind!"   
  
"No, I was just.. looking at your paper. You haven't written anything."   
  
He plopped his arms on top if the blank sheet and gave a wiry grin, "Oh.. I guess I..um.. was just thinking of other things."   
  
I watched his eyes fall onto my page. The charcoal words may as well have been bright shiny daggers pointing towards his dropping body. It doesn't take an AP English student to read upside down. It doesn't help when the words are in print, all capital letters and kinda on the bold side. Now that I mention it, I need to sharpen my pencil. It'll make it easier to shove it through my eye.   
  
But he doesn't get mad. He looks from the paper to my face with a smiling façade, "You forgot illiterate, TS."   
  
Lord help me, I laughed. It wasn't even that funny. But I suppose it was better than crying. The first snicker to leave my mouth sent Daisuke into a rumble of laughter as well and from there it erupted into a fit of side grabbing mirth. After trying to regain myself and letting out a rather loud snort, Daisuke fell to the floor. Tears were rolling down his face and his body crumpled up into a ball as it shook with amusement. I watched him for a moment, perhaps longer, thinking of nothing. Well, not nothing but it's hard to explain. It's like looking at a river and seeing only the rocking waves at first. But if you stare at it long enough, you see that there are things underneath those waves and just at the surface, a refection of yourself. Pretty deep, huh?   
It's an Ishida thing I guess.   
  
He stopped laughing somewhere between me staring and him staring back and somehow I missed the change from merriment to quiet reverence. Neither of us moved and even though he was lying on the ground, propped up on one elbow, I swear I could hear his heartbeat in the silence, in sync with my own.   
  
"You're still crying, " I noted.   
  
He took his sleeve and wiped at his face, smearing the wet tracks over his tanned skin. His cheeks were red from embarrassment.   
  
"Guess I didn't expect you to snort when you laugh. You don't usually do that."   
  
"No," I admitted, "I.. I'm sorry about what I wrote on my paper. I was steamed up about the fight and being locked in here and I wasn't being fair. You're a great guy. You're very caring and you'd do anything to make sure nothing had to be sacrificed. You're not dumb and you've gotten a lot better socially… I was just seeing through my closed fists, not my eyes. Or my heart for that matter."   
  
"Your.. heart?"   
  
I gulped, feeling very uncomfortable. I'm opening up way to much! I just ment to apologize, not declare my conflicting affection! Damnit, I'm in hot water now. I can't tell him how I feel! He'd hate me then even if he doesn't now. Or worse yet, he might tell Hikari! What would the others think? I couldn't function knowing they were all condemning me!   
  
"Yeah, you know... uh.. enemies you see with your head, friends you see with your heart. It's a proverb.. or something. Yamato told it to me." I lied.   
  
Daisuke's face was like a lighthouse in the dusk, "You mean.. we're friends?"   
  
"Of course we are. If we weren't I'd have to sick Patamon on you."   
  
"Patamon against V-mon? You've got to be kidding! He'd kick him right into Trainee!"   
  
"Oh yeah?" I gave him a sideways look, almost an offer to prove it.   
  
"Yeah."   
  
From there we fell back into mindless staring. There wasn't much more to say. We both knew we were joking. So when the door opened up and the councilor walked in, we both broke apart and were offered our freedom. I gathered my things, looking at him as he did the same, and watched as he took step behind me, out of the room, out of the school, and off in our separate directions home.   
***  
  
  
Jun met me at the door to the apartment with a bunch of crap like, "oh, your in trouble now, dork." and other older sister jibes like that. Though I would have loved to have said something crude and inappropriate in response, she was running at the door to catch a group of friends at the moment and anything I shouted out at her would have been heard by my parents inside.   
  
Ya win some, ya loose some.  
  
As it was I was going to have trouble already waiting for me in the house. As I closed the door and took of my shoes, I could hear my mother sitting at the kitchen table with my father, both of them talking in tones which were much more hushed than normal. I like to call it the 'don't let the children know what we're plotting' tone. It holds very true in most circumstances. Though I would have loved to have avoided them completely, seeing as they had already spotted me by now thanks to Jun's obnoxious welcome that would be seen as a further offence. So I took my books, set them down by the tv and jumped into the kitchen with as much energy and optimism I could muster.  
  
"Good afternoon! Any of you catch the TV line up for tonight? I'm really tired of the same ol' reruns."  
  
"Sit down."  
  
Mom's have the power to move things with just the slightest of fluctuation in their voices. Most men and children are affected by it. I wonder if they realize the power they wield? Rather than ask and risk further injury, I sat down and tried to keep a smile.  
  
"The school councilor called today. She told us you got in a fight again." Mom paused slightly, "Who was it with, Daisuke?"  
  
"A friend of mine. It was just a little misunderstanding." I explained.   
She would have none of it.  
  
"Which one. Have we met him?"  
  
"Um.. yeah," I said, thinking back to when I'd invited the digidestioned to my house.   
  
"Was it the one with the black hair?"  
  
Ken. "No. He doesn't even go to my school."  
  
"The one with the laptop?  
  
Me get in a fist fight with Koushiro? I wanted to laugh, "No Mom."  
  
"Fine then," she gave my father a 'told you so' look, "It's Takeru, the boy with the hat."  
  
I looked between them, trying to figure out some sort of clue. "Yeah. Takeru. What's up? I mean, it was just a fight and we're friends again now.. sorta.. so we won't be fighting any more. I promise."  
  
"Either way, you're grounded." Dad said calmly, "That means no friends, no TV, no phone and no dance this weekend."  
  
Shit! "No dance! But I have to go! Takeru said he'd take me!"  
  
Mom got a panicked look in her face and my father held her hand tightly. I thought over my sentence and quickly rephrased it.  
  
"I mean, he said he'd get his brother to pick me up. A ride, you know?"  
Mom was now looking at me funny. I hate it when she does that! I know exactly what's going through her head. She's thinking about Takada.  
  
"You like him. You like Takeru and you got into a fight because you kissed him just like you did with Tama in Takada. It's going to happen all over again!"  
  
She was starting to get hysterical. "Mom, no! We got into a fight over Hikari, my friend Tai's sister. You met her too. The cute girl with the camera? Remember her? I didn't kiss Takeru."  
  
"Daisuke,"  
  
I looked up at my father who was holding my mothers shaking hands over the table.  
  
"Why don't you go to your room."  
  
I nodded and left, listening to my mom as she started to cry in the background. I shut the door to my room and sighed. Somehow I knew that was going to happen.  
  
"DAISUKE!"  
  
Before I had time to react, the flying ball of blue pounced into my chest; it's famous head-butt landing me on my own rear. I looked up into two orbs of deep concern and love. My one and only digipal, demiveemon.  
  
"Hey pal you nearly gave me a heart attack! Ya mind telling me when you're gonna do that next time?" I joked.  
  
He smiled at me and gave me a hug with his tiny short arms, "I missed you! You were gone much longer today than you usually were! Where were you? Did you go play without me?"  
  
"Without you? Never!" I declared giving him a rub on the top of his head, "I got into some trouble at school with Takeru but everything's cool now so don't you worry, okay?"  
  
I could see demiveemon looking at me with disappointment. I figure Yamato and Taichi's Digimon looked at them that way a lot back when they used to not get along so well. I bet Patamon's looking at Takeru like this right now too.  
  
There was a knock at the door and I quickly stashed demiveemon away.  
"Come on in, the waters great!"  
  
My dad poked his head around the door with a weary smile them entered and shut the door behind him.  
  
"You're mother's just worried about you, you know that right?"  
  
I nodded. I figured this was coming actually. Whenever mom goes ballistic and into one of her funks, dad usually puts things back together. Every family needs a moderator.  
  
"She doesn't want you to get hurt again, Daisuke. That's all. You're older now and it might be even harder on you to leave if what happened at Takada were to happen again. It's not that she hates that you're gay. She loves you no matter what you are, and so do I. We both love you so much son."  
  
"Thanks Dad." I've heard the speech before and while it's a nice speech, it gets old and worn after a while. Kinda like listening to 33 people read off a report over Japan in 1872. Mr. Hirojukai did that once to my class. I fell asleep and got a detention then too. But what I have learned is that after the speech, there are usually some let backs on punishment, "Does this mean I can still go to the dance?"  
  
He seemed to think it over and my heart was racing like a grey hound after a white rabbit.  
  
"We'll see." He knelt down and poked at my face with his finger, "But before we think about that, I say we think about what to do about this shiner you've got going here."  
  
I yelped at his touch, his not being as tender as Takeru's. I sighed and got up though, fallowing him into the kitchen where a steak and an ice pack waited.  
***  



	3. Chapter 6

School never passes fast enough when you're anticipating something. Kinda like a car ride, it always seems to take forever to get where you're going and an instant to remember where you've been. Wednesday, the day Daisuke and I got stuck after school, seems like only yesterday while the dance creeps like a tortuous. Even though today is Friday, and the dance is only a few hours from now. I kinda get goose bumps just thinking about it. Our first Junior High dance and it's just Daisuke and me! I mean Daisuke, Hikari and me.  
  
One thing is for sure, no matter how soon or far away anything is or becomes, I haven't been able to keep him out of my thoughts. But if his eyes that are dancing in my thoughts are just the makings of some perverted crush, last nights dream has all the makings of a full-blown obsession.   
  
We were at the dance and Hikari had gone off with a group of girls from class to the bathroom. Girls. Always going in groups, even in dreams. Anyway though, so it was just me and Daisuke and this song started to play. He looked at me with a sad sort of smile and said that the song's lyrics reminded him of us. I started to hear them, the words louder than the music itself till no instruments accompanied the silky message that floated off black cloaked speakers.   
  
"What did I ever do to you, that you should treat me this way. Is it such a crime for an angel to speak his mind? In time I'll try to shed some light. If I were a big boy I wouldn't cry but since I'm not a big boy, I have to cry."  
  
I looked over and he was crying. Then, just as the music had died out, so did the dance. Suddenly only we were there, alone in darkness.  
  
"I love you, Takeru."  
  
My heart skipped a beat and I jerked back with surprise. He turned away from me and looked as though he would bolt from the room but I grabbed him, turned him around in my arms and kissed away his tears, licking the salty sweet drops that were blessed enough to fall from those burgundy eyes. I felt it and tasted everything. It was more like reality than a dream.  
  
"I love you, Daisuke." I said as I pulled him impossibly closer, feeling his warm body close to mine and arms captured between our chests. I leaned forward, his eyes closed to slits as our lips brushed sending sparks though me.  
  
But I woke up to the sound of the vacuum cleaner just before we truly kissed. I could have passed the whole thing off as guilt for being mean and saying bad things and maybe told my self it was just my minds way of atoning for that guilt. But when I woke up I felt alone and scared. I wanted it to be real. I was depressed that it had only been a dream. And the lyrics played on in my mind. And I've never heard the song.  
  
But that was hours ago. It's almost seven now. Dance starts at eight and Yamato will be by any creeping minute from now. Had the dance been at the school we could have just walked but as it is, there are too many students for that. So instead of having it in the gymnasium, the school rents a recreation center for the night. There tend to be so many dark corners and broom closets in them though. That's where Yamato and Taichi's jobs come in. Oh god, what would Yamato say if he caught me in a dark corner with Daisuke! Why am I even thinking things like that? I worry too much. I usually like to call it being cautious but I draw the line at stressing over what oni-chan thinks. That's worrying.  
  
I hear the doorbell right and Mom looks in on me in my room before answering the door. I can tell already that it's time to go. One more look over in the mirror was I'm off to greet Yamato as well. He's dressed to the nines with his hair ruggedly fashioned in the same 'cool dude' style he's popular for. The black silk shirt and the skin shaping black pants are a predictable combination as well. In fact, he looks like he just got out from band practice. You know what they say, music is 1% talent and 99% sex appeal.   
  
"Hey kiddo." He greets, as always. It's the curse and the blessing of being the younger sibling. The blessing being that he's the one taking me to the dance, not Mom. Sure, there are a lot of other things but right now, that's all I'm thinking about.   
  
"Hey, Yamato. The others waiting in the car?"  
  
He shook his head, "Nah, Taichi called and said it was taking Hikari longer than anticipated to be ready and that I should pick you and Daisuke up before heading over there."  
  
I gave Mom a quick hug and grabbed my coat. Yamato waved at her and we left. That was it then. My night has started! That's what I thought at least until I saw his car. He'd told me about it, said it was a classic. I agree. It was a classic. A very out of shape, rusty looking classic that you'd find in the impound lot.  
  
"Are you sure that thing's safe?" I asked. He gave me a noggie in response. Good ol' Yamato. I got in though without further jibes at the age or stability of the automobile and we started out towards Daisuke's apartments. I made sure my seatbelt was on extra tight as Yamato pulled out into the street in front of a sky blue truck.  
  
Again the ageless waiting seemed to fall over Japan, as if God had somehow decided to torcher me and only me on this night. What lucky numbers do you have to pick for that to happen?  
  
"So. You looking forward to your big night?"  
  
I nodded, looking out the window and counting mile markers.  
  
"Look like you've got it bad."  
  
"Nani?" I looked over at him and saw a mischievous glow in his face and it wasn't the reflection beams of the car in front of us.  
  
"You know. IT." He said as if stressing the word would make it's meaning any more clear. Somehow though, it did.  
  
"Oh. Why do you say that?"  
  
"Just look at you!" he said, slightly prided, "My baby brother is all grown up and falling in love."  
  
I tried to ignore him but a blush crept into my face despite my efforts. "knock it off, man."   
  
The car had stopped but I was so intent on hiding my red face that I hadn't noticed. I did however notice the hand that fell onto my shoulder and seize a started yelp from me.  
  
Yamato laughed and I saw that it was not his hand. Through the rearview mirror I saw Him. Daisuke had discarded the goggles for the night and his eyes look like they had been lightly lined with a faint coal haze. It made him look even more stunning.  
  
"Sorry about that, Takeru, didn't mean to sneak up on you like that." He smiled and scooted into the back seat. My cheeks were even redder now from embarrassment.  
  
"You okay, Takeru? You look a little warm?"  
  
I glanced at Yamato with content and opened up the front passenger door, "I think I'll move to the back. There's a lot of hot air up here."  
  
Yamato smiled at me as if his small victory had out balanced anything I could possibly say. Shutting the door with more force than required I moved into the back and sat by Daisuke.   
  
"Where are the others?" he asked.  
  
"Girls." I said with a shrug. He caught amazingly quick and gave a sly wink that only triggered more blushing on my part. Seeing him after that dream was really doing something to me.  
  
"Well, I think we've given her enough time to get ready so let's head on out to the Kamia's, huh?"  
  
"I don't know," Daisuke said, leaning back with his arms folded behind his head, "Wouldn't it be nice to just have a boy's night out?"  
  
Yes it would. Only not with my brother in the car. Wait, what am I saying? What am I thinking? I don't mean to sound hormonal but whatever it is that I was thinking, I'm thinking I still want to think it.  
  
"Sure. We'll go pick up Taichi and then I'll leave Hikari up to you two to deal with while we make a run for it."   
  
"Point taken." I said before the conversation turned to Hikari. As long as she isn't here, I can think that it's just me and Daisuke going to the dance. I just wish this moment would last forever. And as I hear the squealing tires, I think that maybe it will.   
  
Before I know what's going on, I feel it. I see the glass as it shatters and I watch the side cave in. I see sparks as the car glides across the road on its rims. Most of all I see the SUV that we careen in front of as we sail into the opposite lane. I feel Daisuke's hand on mine, squeezing it and pulling it close. I hear Yamato screaming, all of us screaming deftly as if to ward off the vehicle. I feel another hard hit and I'm upside down. Then right side up. Then upside down. Then right side up. Then upside down and we turn and turn like a record on a turntable. The ceiling is caving in us, the metal digs into my head and I duck, pulling my chin to my chest. We stop spinning and I hear more noises, not my screaming but yelling, people gathered around yelling at us. I can hear them ask if we're alive but I can't open my mouth. I can't feel anything.   
  
"Takeru?"  
  
Yamato! Are you okay? Are you hurt bad?  
  
"Takeru, can you hear me?"  
  
Yamato, I'm okay! I'm here!  
  
"Oh God, don't take my little brother. God, please. TAKERU! Answer me!"  
  
He's crying. Can't he hear me? I'm trying to tell him I'm okay. Yamato, stop crying, please! I'm right here! I'm okay. I wish I could see him. He's only in the front seat but the caved in ceiling is blocking the vision. I can't see anything in front of me. I can't feel anything. I can feel the pressure though, the steel that presses against my side, the awkward angle of my legs, and the vise like grip on my hand.   
  
Daisuke.  
  
I turn my head carefully, the awkward angle limiting my range of motion. I can see him just out of my right eye though. His eyes are closed. I can't see how bad he looks. I can hear the dripping of blood though. I hope it's mine.  
  
I squeeze his hand as best I can, my muscles sore from being jousted and tossed about. He doesn't stir. I realize now how cold his hand feels, or is that the steal of the car around us? His grip doesn't seem so solid around my hand. The longer I concentrate on the feeling in my hand I find I can't feel him holding my hand at all. It's my vise like grip that links us together.  
  
Daisuke?  
  
People are prying through the metal with giant steal claws. I can see the streetlights. There are so many noises and voices. Somebody tell me if Daisuke's all right. Yamato, play me a song to make the sadness go away. My head hurts so much, 'ni-chan. I hear you. I hear you. I'm okay, I'm all right, I'm… alive….  
  
  
  



	4. Chapter 7

The doctors, police, parents and friends kept asking what happened. If anything, it's the last thing I want to remember. Having to watch them cut into the passenger seat of my car to retrieve my unconscious brother and his friend.   
  
Oh God, Takeru....   
  
The first car had hit us from behind at the stoplight. The bastard wasn't paying attention and didn't break, throwing us into the middle of the intersection. The other car hit on my side, passenger. I don't remember much else except for being upside down crying out for my brother. Even in the digiworld, I've never been as afraid as I was then.   
  
I 'm relatively unharmed, a broken arm, two bruised ribs, busted kneecap, split chin, broken tooth, and seatbelt burn. Old cars don't have airbags. One might have spared my face. I'm not worried about that right now though.   
  
I just want my brother.   
  
The doctor says he's going to be all right. He regained consciousness seven hours after the accident, about the time everyone found out and came to the hospital. Taichi came in, tears on his own face and ran to my bedside. My head was still buzzing, screams and screeching tires echoing like nails on a chalkboard. He was saying things but I wasn't listening.   
  
I was just glad he hadn't been in the car with me. I can't praise every holy being enough as it is that Takeru had moved to the back seat.   
Cause the car didn't just stop spinning, it had spun into a light post. The seat next to me was completely broken and metal from the passenger door was biting into my arm from my side of the car. He'd have died.  
  
My little brother sleeping in ICU would be down the in the morgue with a tag on his toe.   
  
I turn my head and vomit onto the floor. I can't help it. Thinking about loosing him makes my insides attempt an emergency evacuation. Luckily, only my food makes the trip.   
  
A feel soft hands and a cool towel touch and caress my skin, dabbing and soothing with words of comfort. I want it to be my mother but it's probably a nurse. Mom never has much time for me. I don't really have much time for her either but I see her and Takeru and know that if things had been different, maybe I'd have her safe arms around me as well, kissing the worries and pain away like only a boys mother can. I decided too early that I was too big for hugs and kisses from her. I only want those years back, those angry years I could have spent warm and happy with my father, mother and brother.  
  
"Yamato... it's alright, baby. You'll be alright."  
  
I open my eyes just barely. I didn't realize they'd been closed. No wonder the sounds and furry of the crash seemed so close. But so was she, the woman with the soft blue eyes that sparkled with tears. So close I could touch her if I tried but she's on my side with the broken arm. I know those eyes, like a memory. Blue eyes trying to smile past tears as a slender hand waved goodbye, the other hand grasping a toddlers chubby digits. A memory of Mom.  
  
I roll over till my back is again snuggled by the sheets and matrices. Now she's even closer, the pink towel in hand whipping my excess vomit from my chin.  
  
"It's been so many years since I've had to do that." She said, more to herself than to me, I suppose, since she looks at me more like a porcelain doll than her son. She's so beautiful. M cloudy vision makes the dim lights scatter over her shoulders like the faded wings of an angel on an old church ceiling.   
  
"You know, when you were a baby, you were the messiest thing I'd ever known. I used to say to your father that we needed to start dressing you in garbage bags since all your nice clothes ended up in one anyway." She giggled lightly at a memory far beyond my reach, picking a new towel that was cool with water and dabbing my forehead, "And I remember how after we ate one night, you came up to me with a face covered in food and said, 'Wash! Wash!'. And I got a nice white towel with some warm water on it and I cleaned you off and you give me a hug and a kiss when I was done. And the next day we did the same thing, and the next, and the next. Always with a hug and a kiss afterwards. I never got mad anymore when you'd get all messy. I liked our little ritual. Because it was ours. My son's and mine."  
  
I started to cry. I saw her get this mortified look on her face and start to reach for the nurses button my I managed to move my other arm touch her hand that still cooled my face. "It doesn't hurt so bad, Mom." I said, smiling for her.  
  
"You're crying."  
  
I blinked my eyes and tried to stop but the remnants still clung to my face. "I'm okay, Mom. I don't hurt much. I just don't remember all those nice memories you have of us." I watched tears fall from her own eyes.  
  
"You were very young." She said, pressing my hand into hers and giving it three soft squeezes. I. Love. You. It was our code, one of the only things I remember besides her leaving. Three squeezes for I love you, four for I love you too.  
  
I sent her my reply, four lasting squeezes and a smile. "I'm not all grown up just yet, Mom."  
  
She started to cry more, little shakes in her body making the wing of light seem to flap. She kissed my face, wary of the cuts but the salt from her tears disturbing them anyways, a sweet sting that reminded me that I was still alive, that I had a chance to retrieve what I lost. My Mother.  
  
"I'm sorry, Mom." I wrapped my unbroken arm around her neck, "I'm sorry about everything."  
  
She shook her head and whispered into my ear, "There's nothing to apologize for. Everything will work out as it should."  
  
I snuggled deeper into her warmth, feeling safe, something lost in these hours of terror. I'm glad she's here with me. I need strength; I need an angel to wash away my worries.   
  
But I still feel Takeru in the back of my mind. I want to know how he is.   
  
I don't want to disturb this moment.  
  
What ways more heavily? My curiosity and concern or my content and happiness in my mother's arms?  
  
I fall dreamlessly back to sleep.  
  
  



	5. Chapter 8

I remember his hand. Cold, stiff, my fingers entwined with his unmoving ones. I don't remember his face. I see his eyes closed and hear the dripping of blood when I think back but I don't see his face. Just his closed eyes, black lashes falling over his tanned cheeks, coal smeared, reminded me of the black eye. The black eye I gave him. If I hadn't hit him we'd have never been locked in that room, I'd have never asked him to ride with us to the dance. If we hadn't been coming back from his house, there would have been no accident.  
  
Then again, the person who first hit us is probably listing the ways it could have been avoided as well.   
  
I don't regret us fighting anymore than I regret holding his hand to the last.   
  
Is it the last?   
  
I remember us sitting in that room so vividly. Him across from me with that smile on his face, offering me candy, talking, laughing, crying. I miss it. It was so casual, so ill fated. And yet, it was the first time I'd actually thought about him as a person. I was told to even. Three hours of uninterrupted Daisuke. I understand how I feel about him more now that I have in the past. What I wouldn't do to be back in that room. I'd have pinned him to his chair and kissed him like in my dream.   
  
Where is Daisuke now?  
  
Past the blinking lights of the ambulance and the sounds of rescuers, I remember so little. They pulled him out right after me, they laid him down and started beating him. They kept slamming their hands down onto his chest.   
  
Why did they want to hurt Daisuke? Hadn't he been through enough already?  
  
They kept beating him till another man leaned down and kissed him.   
  
I was red with rage, I remember. I wanted their hands and lips off of him. He didn't love them. He loved me. At least, in my dreams he does.  
  
The man stopped kissing him and the other started beating him again and again, till another advised them to lay him out on the stretcher and they carried him away from me, where I couldn't see them or him anymore.   
  
In my less panicked mind I know they were trying to save his life, but I also register the fact that there actions came by one reason.   
  
Daisuke was dead when they pulled him out.  
  
That's the only reason they do that, right? CPR is for people who aren't breathing, whose hearts stopped beating. That's dead, right?   
His hand was so cold and still.  
  
People do CPR so they can bring the person back. Did they bring Daisuke back? Is he in the next room? Down the hall? In the bed next to mine behind the curtain? Where is he? I need to know!  
  
I grabbed the buzzer beside my bed and pressed the button for assistance. A short stout nurse was quick to answer, rushing into my room with a slight smile and a worried brow.  
  
"Mr. Takiashi? Is everything alright?"  
  
Where is Daisuke? I need to know how he is!  
  
She's just standing there, looking at me.  
  
Are you deft? I need to know how my friend Daisuke is! Motomiya Daisuke!  
  
Her head falls to one shoulder, a saddened look on her face. Does this mean he.... They couldn't....  
  
"I'll get the doctor right away." She says, leaving me alone on my hospital bed with the only sound other than my thoughts being the drip of the IV.  
  
Why is she getting the doctor? Is he the one who's supposed to tell me my friend's dead? What's going on?   
  
Can't somebody just answer me!  
  
Even as I raise my voice, all I hear is the drip of the IV. I can hear the drug carts being rolled down the halls, I can hear footsteps and conversations if I strain my ears, but I can't hear my own voice. I scream again.  
  
Drip.   
  
Drip.   
  
Drip.  
  
Now I know why Yamato didn't hear me answering him.   
  
The doctor enters my room, a clipboard held to his chest and a dark grey beard ruffling his face. He looks like Gennai, only less anchient and more wiry around the eyes. He sits beside me in a rolling chair that squeaks lightly on the slick floor.  
  
"You're looking much better this evening. Do you know what happened?"  
  
I say, or rather mouth, a yes. His brow furrows and he opens the chart, my chart I presume.  
  
"You were not mute before the accident." He states rather than asks. I shake my head anyways. I'm too depressed to care if the questions are rhetorical or not. First Daisuke and now this. God, please, don't play with me anymore. Too much has gone wrong in so little time. Just let me be.  
  
"I see. We'll have to check that out as soon as your other injuries become less threatening. The nurse tells me you were quite anxious when you buzzed her in here." He flipped the clipboard over, handing it to me along with a pen, "Why don't you write down what's troubling you. I'll do my best to help."  
  
I took the pen in hand and wrote out in clean and crisp hirigana; Motomiya Daisuke.  
  
The doctor took the board and nodded at my implied request.  
  
"This is the name of the burgundy haired boy they brought in with you, yes?" he scratched his hairy chin, "I remember him. He had a strong will to live."  
  
My eyes filled with tears. I don't want to hear that he's dead. I was wrong to ask. I should have waited. I don't want my doubt to be washed away!  
  
The doctor put his hand on my shoulder, giving it a reassuring squeeze as he stood.  
  
"He had a strong will to live." He repeated.   
  
"And still does."  
  



	6. Chapter 9

I remember the first time I woke up. Mom and Dad weren't there, just a white ceiling and all these noises. I didn't say anything, didn't even move really. It hurt like hell. It meaning everything. I started to cry, nothing loud or gasping, just quite tears falling down my face. It really, really hurt to be awake. I think that's why I went back to sleep. The next time I woke up it was pretty much the same. It hurt less though and I didn't cry this time. A nurse walked in and had this big smile on her face then turned to find the doctor I suppose cause he was in there a few minutes later. I remember him checking me over, reading the instruments at my side and asking me stupid questions like what my name was and if I remembered what had happened. I told him how stupid the questions were too. What can I say, I'm not much of a morning person and it really pissed me off to find out that someone who spent hundreds of years going to school could only think of questions you'd ask a lost kindergartner in a shopping mall. He laughed at me and patted my shoulder even though I told him off. I guess he skipped the intelligent questions part of the doctor exam and went right on to bedside manner.  
  
The next day is when I finally got to see my parents. Mom was crying and going on about how sorry she was and that she'd never say anything about my 'preferences' again. I don't think I'd ever seen her like that. Her hair was a mess, her eyes were sunken and red. She kinda looked like a zombie from an old monster movie. Her hands were all over me, wiping my hair away from my face, stroking my hand, my cheeks, and every bandaged part visible. She kissed me about a million times to boot. It wasn't embarrassing though. Usually when your mom kisses you in public you act all grossed out and try to push her away. I didn't mind it so much though. I was kinda nice.  
  
Dad was crying too. He bent down and gave me a hug and a kiss then took my free hand and held it. I was the center of attention and it felt great. Would have felt better if it didn't hurt though.   
I could see them and myself in this warped mirror on the wall. It took me a while to realize it was me I was looking at though. I could see Mom and Dad surrounding this scrawny body covered in white bandages and purple bruises. The burgundy hair was nothing but stubble and the eyes that looked back at me were frightening. Like they were forced to keep some sort of secret.  
  
My eyes still look like that. It's been two weeks since I woke up in the hospital the second time. It had been almost two months since I'd closed them.   
  
When I was released, there was a party. Everyone came. Ken was crying. I was used to having people cry when they saw me by then though. Ken had been away when it had all happened. Some sort of genius convention up north. I heard he tried to visit but only family was allowed in ICU. And with school, well, Ken was just plain guilty feeling. I gave him a hug with my unbandaged arm. I broke it pretty good in several places.  
  
Hikari was just as bad as Ken but she looked happier in many ways. She'd been up to the hospital a lot with Taichi so she'd been able to find out a lot and visit more than the others. Taichi had them all beat though. He came in right behind Hikari with a huge smile and gave me a noogy.  
  
"It's about time they let you out of there!" he had said cheerfully,   
"Ya can't keep a good dog down, right Yamato?"  
  
Poor Yamato nodded beside him. His face had scars, most very faint but the more noticeable one stretched from his left eyebrow, across his nose and hinted on the cheek. There was a part of his eyebrow that didn't grow hair anymore but if anything, he just looked cooler. His arm was out of the cast and in a sling now. The only other noticeable injury was the slight limp because of his knee. He had a cool cane with him, the top was a wolf's head and he'd nicknamed it his Gabu-cane. No one knows how long he'll have to use it.  
  
The rest of the gang filed in with hugs and a few kisses from the girls which I can't argue against. I still hadn't seen the one I really was looking forward to seeing though.   
  
I'd asked about Takeru a lot in the hospital. The doctor said he had too. But he didn't visit at all when I was moved into a regular room and out of ICU. Damn visiting hours. It's almost like they plan them around when you can't possibly be there. I'd have thought he'd have come though anyway. Taichi came, Yamato came, Hikari, Miyako, Iora, Koushiro and even chibivemon came! But no Takeru.   
  
Matt told me about what the doctors said about him. That he can't talk. It's been two months and he still hasn't said a word. Mrs. Takiashi wants him to see a psychologist about what happened. The doctors said there was nothing wrong with his vocal cords. It's just mental. It's kinda hard to send him to a physiologist I bet since he can't and won't tell anyone anything. He writes a lot I hear. He won't write down sentences though. Just thoughts and poems and other things. Yamato tells me his mom is thinking about teaching him sign language now since he won't write to her. He doesn't write to anybody and he hides what he writes down. I was worried about him. I still am.  
  
He never showed up for the party. Yamato said he wasn't feeling too good but you could tell just by looking at him that he didn't believe it. Takeru's injuries had healed almost completely. His arm is in a sling too and the leg he broke is well enough that it's in a brace now instead of a cast. Of all of us he got beat up the most. All I got was a broken arm, broken ribs and a big case of head trauma (this is arguably the worst of the injuries among us but Takeru still has me beat in number) . He broke his leg, arm, ribs, collarbone (cause of the seatbelt I hear), had internal bleeding and infection caused by the pieces of the car's interior that got lodged in his leg. I'm glad I hadn't seen him like that. I know Yamato did. I got to hear the story once and will probably never ask to hear it again.   
  
Jun has been nicer than I could have ever expected her to be. It's starting to fade though. Mom isn't as frantic about me when I go to sleep anymore and they've almost stopped coming in to check on me every hour.   
  
Oh yeah, It's been three weeks since the party.  
  
I started going back to school the second week back. Takeru wasn't there. Hikari told me that he hadn't been back to school since. He got Miyako to bring him the assignments and he sent them back with her to give to Hikari. The teachers all knew about his not being able to talk thing so they let him do it and Mrs. Takiashi I guess feels it's okay too.  
  
So today I asked Miyako if I could give Takeru his papers for her. She looked a little hesitant at first but handed the stack to me.   
  
"Are you sure you can carry all that with just one arm?" she asked.  
  
I nodded, "You bet! In fact, I could carry your books too if you want!"  
She shook her head and muttered something about overdoing it as she walked away. I stuck my tongue out at her though, just to feel good. Before I go though I head for the bathroom. I want to look my best seeing as in I havn't seen Takeru in a long time. I set the papers and books down on the counter as I run some water over my hands and wet my hair to do a quick fix. It's still short. I look almost like Koushiro only more like me since I've still got Taichi's goggles on. They help cover up the scars cause like Yamato's eyebrow, there are a few places I don't grow hair anymore. Most of it's in the back but I have one on the side that hides perfectly behind the goggle straps. They're all small scars everyone tells me and it's no big deal but I'm kinda paranoid about my looks, especially my hair. I look in the mirror and give my self the thumbs up approval, trying not to look at my eyes, just the hair.  
  
Ya see, my eyes still aren't the same. It's almost like they're dead.   



	7. Chaper 10

Mom's gone and it's about damn time. If she were to check up on my one more time I would have… nothing. I wouldn't have done anything. It's not like I can yell at her and I would never hit her. I'd just sit here and glair like I always do cause that's all I can do. I'm so useless.   
  
Yeah.. that sounds good. I take the pen in my hand and grab some more paper. I've written on almost all of the paper I own. I'm starting to resort to computer paper. I'd ask mom for more but…  
  
"I'm so useless" I write, "Alone in the world with people who will never understand how hollow it all seems. Alone in my pathetic existence of empty echoes and silence. Silence. Silence. Silence."  
  
I put my pen down, happy with my work, and crumble it up into a ball and into the garbage. Mom would love to get a hold of something like that. She'd love any proof that I'm crazy.   
  
I know what they say. The doctors. That it's all in my head. No damage done in there. All physiological. I could talk if I wanted to. But I can't! And I'm not fucking crazy. I can't talk.  
  
I take another piece of paper out scribble on it as well, "A puppet without a voice is just a block of wood."  
  
I don't know what half the stuff I write is supposed to mean. It just sounds good. Sounds almost sane and it's better than what my brain shouts at me. I crumble it up as well and toss it in with the others.  
  
I can hear the doorbell ring and though I usually would ignore it, it's almost four meaning it's Miyako with my school stuff. I get up out of my chair and walk to the door. The first patch of spiky, burgundy hair to catch my eye sent the door slamming shut and my breath to quicken and catch in my throat.  
  
"Takeru!"  
  
Oh god.. it really is him…  
  
"Takeru.. I.. I have your books and your work… I know I'm not Miyako.. sorry if I scared ya…will you let me in?"  
  
I wanted to yell at him to leave me alone through the door but, well, obvious reason why I didn't. Couldn't. I stared at the door, pretending I could see him put the books down and walk away. I hope he just walks away.  
  
"Takeru… please… you can't ignore me forever."  
  
Yes I can! I can… wait.. is that what I'm doing? Ignoring him? Avoiding him? God, I can't think strait. There are just so many voices in my head. I can't remember which one is mine anymore. Do I want to ignore him? Do I? Why? God, what's wrong with me…  
  
"I'm sorry.. bad idea.. I just thought maybe.. well, I wanted to check up on you."  
  
A thick sound fell on the door and I backed away, "God, Please, Takeru… I'm so worried about you… will you please just let me see you. I'll just give you the papers and leave if you just let me see you."  
  
I don't know. His voice sounded so sad. I guess something in me gave way. At least all the voices agreed. I turned the handle and opened to door. My breath hitched.  
  
His face was paler than I remembered and his eyes.. I couldn't look at them. They hurt. His hair was shorter and looked a little funny with such big goggles and little hair. He held my stuff in one arm with his own over his back in the pack he had with him. He smiled at me. I think. His lips moved but his eyes remained calm and dim.  
  
"Hi." He shifted the weight of the books, "Um.. where do you want them?"  
  
I started to just motion for him to hand them to be but my arms were already pointing towards my bedroom. Damn limbs. Daisuke walked in, looking around steadily as he entered the apartment and I closed the door behind him. Again, my limbs seemed to be self-motivated as I followed him into my room and took a seat on my bed. I watched him place my things on the desk and scratch the back of his head uneasily.  
  
"So.. is your mom here?"  
  
Smart. Yes or no questions. I shook my head and kept the small smile hidden inside. It took my mom a good week to get used to wording her questions in a yes or no fashion. Daisuke is a lot smarter than he looks.  
  
"Oh. So.. do you want me to leave now…"  
  
I really wish he hadn't asked that question. Most of me wants to see him. The part that was afraid to see what the accident had left of him is silent now and doesn't exactly argue either point. I guess the only answer is a simple shrug.   
  
"If it's alright with you then, I'd like to stay." He mumbled the last part, almost as if he was rushing the words, "Listen.. I want to know….there's something I've…About the accident… I.." he was tripping up big time now and his face showed every sign of it. He sat down at the desk and took my pen. He started to write.   
  
I started to feel insulted. I'm not sure why. It was my pen and my precious paper he was using. But I guess the real problem I had was that he felt he had to write to me. He had a voice, why can't he just use it? Like a normal person.   
  
Daisuke turned around and handed me the paper, his face a little redder but the color reminded me more of the old Daisuke's complexion. I took the paper and thought about just ripping it to shreds but the brief passing before my eyes caught a glimmer of words I wanted to see. So I took it in hand and began to read.  
  
"Takeru,  
  
I remember the crash. Most of all though, I remember your hand. When I was sleeping in the hospital, I thought I was still holding your hand. It made me stronger and kept me alive. When I woke up and you weren't there, I was scared. I've wanted to see you so badly since then. Even though people told me you were okay I wanted to see for myself. I'm sorry I came over like this, without an invitation or anything. And I'm sorry I couldn't say this to you. I kept making it sound more stupid than it already does. Thing is, I really like you, Takeru. Please don't ignore me. I want to be here for you.  
  
Love,  
Daisuke"  
  
Love. I really like you. I want to be here for you. What, does the guy have? A key to my fantasies? I mean.. it's beautiful… like him.  
He looks really scared. Our eyes meet and though I want to look away from them, I don't. I try not to flinch and I think I succeeded.   
  
"I'm dying here, Takeru. Will you write me something back?"  
  
I shook my head and stood up, taking the letter and letting it fall to the ground. His face fell with it and I think his heart did too. But I stepped closer to him, my arms going around him and pulling us together in a warm embrace. His arms were around me in no time and his head nestled into my shoulder.  
  
"Takeru! When the first hit came and everything was happening, all I could think of was what was going to happen to you. I was so afraid I'd loose you!"   
  
His tears ran down and soaked into my skin, warm and healing. I can feel rivers running down my face as well but I'm not sad. I pet his head, feeling the short hairs tickle my skin ruffly, like a fathers bearded when he leans down and kisses you. So I did. I turned my head and kissed him on the head, the tingly feeling of his hair giving me goosbumps. But it's not enough.  
  
I pushed him away from me just a tad, enough to make his head raise and a look of disappointed curiosity cross his face. Then, quickly, I darted my face to meet him, my lips adorning the corner of his mouth in a chaste kiss. As I pulled away, his head turned and followed my lips, his on mine now with his unslung arm reaching up to grasp my face. The heart of his body pressed against mine, my arms roaming his body, one sneaking up his shirt to run over the smooth skin.  
  
It was like a dream. He tasted of what sunshine and laughter must be made of, sweet and soulful, drowning me in passion and need.   
  
He pulled back this time, breathing hard and dipping down to kiss the hallow of my neck, his tongue darting out and making me moan.  
"I couldn't let you die without knowing how I felt about you, Takeru, " me whispered, his breath cool over the wetness he lavished upon my neck, "I wanted to tell you then but it happened so fast. At least we were holding hands."  
  
I nuzzled against him, trying to find the words to respond but only finding emptiness. As usual. I can't even tell the one I love that I love him! Still, remembering what he said, I pulled his hand towards me, intertwining our fingers and kissing each place that our fingers touched. I could feel him trembling. I tightened my grip on his hand, sending three hard squeezes with a message. I. Love. You. Something my family used to do when words were not allowed or the moment called for action.   
  
A message, no, a proclamation of my emotions. I know he'll understand. He can see into my heart.   
  
His face lights up, that or the room become increasingly dimmer. Without pause, he sends back four squeezes in reply. I. Love. You. Too.  
  



End file.
